


Ha, You Lose

by callmejude



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 08:18:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmejude/pseuds/callmejude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>written for the kink meme prompt: "While recording himself the first time he went to drift with the kaiju brain, Newt said something along the lines of "and Hermann, if I'm dead, in which case it's YOUR fault and HA, I STILL win!" I want fic of Hermann finding this particular recording and being really upset that Newt's potential last message to him could have involved blaming him for his death, even in a non-serious fashion. So he goes to find Newt. Because Newt has some explaining to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ha, You Lose

Of course he's stuck cleaning up the lab. Of course it's _his_ responsibility. Newton gets sent off to the kaiju black market (alone, not even two hours after drifting with one of the damn beasts, which he tells himself he's not worried about. Just annoyed.) and Hermann is left cleaning up the mess he made.

He nudges a lump of kaiju entrails off the line separating their halves of the lab and notices one of Newton's recorders underneath it. Absently he stoops down to pick it up. Undoubtedly he'd tried to record his findings. Hermann pauses, the memory of Newton convulsing on the floor, and cringes. He's not exactly sure he wants to hear what that sounds like.

Still, he's part of a scientific research team, and there could be something important on the tape. It's possible Newton may have shared something he doesn't even remember after coming out of the drift. Hermann's heard that it can be rather disorienting.

He clicks play.

Newton is hard to understand face-to-face on a good day. As overexcited and tinny as his voice sounds in this recorder, it's a miracle Hermann can even tell he's speaking English. It's all a bunch of obvious set-up, really, and Hermann moves to turn it off.

 _"Unscientific aside; Hermann, if you’re listening to this, well, I’m either alive and I’ve proven what I’ve just done works - in which case, ha, I win..."_ Hermann rolls his eyes. 

Newton's recording continues, _"or I’m dead, and I’d like you to know this is all your fault."_ Hermann freezes. There's a sudden acrid taste at the back of his throat. The hair at his nape stands on end and a weight settles in his stomach as the rambling finishes, _"It really is. You drove me to this. in which case ha, I_ still _win. ...sort of."_

Oh, that _bastard._ How dare he. How dare he blame him, how dare he think his own death is anything of a laughing matter, how dare he leave Hermann with those words and nothing else - nothing kind, or even just amicable - after ten bloody years of working together.

Hermann chucks the recorder into a bubbling vat of something purple. He hopes it explodes. Fuck Newton Geiszler.

In the flurry of world-saving that follows, the recording slips Hermann's mind. By the time he sees Newton again, he's so happy to see him alive that the only thing he can think of is how to help him become the hero he's always wanted to be. It isn't until a day later, when they're sent back to the Shatterdome to clean up the rest of their mess, that he remembers.

"What the FUCK?" Newton races to a mess of purple, black and green that has frothed from a beaker on his desk all the way down to consuming half the floor. "Shit!" Newton hisses, dropping to his knees, "Shit, my recorder, shit!"

Hermann's back goes rigid as the memory of the message slams back into him. Suddenly the rage is back tenfold, as if increased simply for being forgotten, folded in on itself for being so fickle. He limps to where Newton is crouched and whacks him as hard as he can across the back of the head with his cane.

"OW! Jesus, Hermann what the _fuck?_ " 

"You _win?_ " he hisses, his voice dangerously low. Newton doesn't even seem to understand what he's saying.

"What?"

"You win, _that's_ what you have to say to me? That it's my _fault?_ " He emphasizes the last word with another slam of his cane against Newton's skull.

"Ow, shit, hey, Hermann, I was-" Hermann ignores him, cracking his cane against Newton's shoulder.

"What kind of last words are those?" Hermann shouts hysterically, "What kind of complete and utter - I can't _believe_ you would -" 

English is failing him. It's too gentle. He's too furious. "Scheiße! _Du schmutzige kleine Ratte! So wolltest du mich zurücklassen?! Das ist, wie du wolltest mich verlassen?_ " He's screaming now, he doesn't think his voice has been this loud in his life. Newton is trying to say something, his arms crossed over his face to shield himself from the blind cuts the cane is making.

"Hermann, you're going to fall!" Newton interjects helplessly, but Hermann grapples clumsily to the back of a chair and continues, his strikes hitting lighter and less often by now. In all honesty, Newton could probably grab the cane and stop it, but doesn't.

" _I dachte wir wären_ Freunde, _du_ absoluter Bastard! _Wag es ja nicht, mir das noch mal anzutun! Wage es nicht, dass mir wieder tun!_ " Hermann feels his throat tightening at the memory of Newton on the floor again, twitching, bleeding, unresponsive. 

Hermann knows he's crying, so he screams louder in an attempt to keep Newton from realizing. " _Du bist alles, was ich habe! Du bist alles, was ich habe, ich hätte dich fast verloren, und das ist es, was du mir hinterlässt? Deine_ letzten Worte? _Fick dich!_ "

"HERMANN! HERMANN, _ES TUT MIR LEID!_ "

The cane clatters to the floor, but Newton picks it up, hands it back gently. Hermann takes it, his grip tight, but when Newton flinches, he decides only to lean on it. Newton swallows. There's silence for a few seconds. "I'm sorry, Hermann, really."

Sorry isn't enough. It isn't. "You could've died!" Hermann says, the venom gone from his voice. He's too tired now. "You could've died and the last thing you'd have told me is that it was _my fault?_ "

The gravity of it finally seems to occur to Newton and he whispers under his breath, "Shit."

Hermann is shaking. He probably has been since this whole thing started, but now that he's actually focusing on standing, he's realizing just how much. Even using his cane as its intended purpose, he still needs to hold on to the chair. Newton looks horrified. "I'm sorry. Really. I didn't think -"

"You never do," Hermann interrupts; bitter, snide. There's a bruise blooming on Newton's jaw and he refuses to feel pity for it.

For an instant, Newton looks like he's going to finish his sentence, stand up for himself, but then he sighs. With a nod he says, "I know. I'm sorry. I won't - I mean I'd never, not on purpose. I just thought you knew."

Hermann decides it's best to give up trying to stand and sits in the chair he's holding. With his hands free, he wipes the tears from his face. Newton scoots over to him. "Hey, I'm - I'm really sorry. Okay? I didn't mean that. I'd never mean that."

Hermann nods. He can't really look at Newton at the moment. Not a lot of the strikes with his cane managed to hit, but the ones that did left bruises, and guilt is starting to twist in his stomach. 

There's a vague memory playing in the back of his mind, from a childhood that isn't his, of getting beaten with a switch until his face is bleeding because he'd left the milk out of the refrigerator again.

Silence stretches on as Hermann doesn't say anything and Newton unsettlingly doesn't seem to feel the need to continue talking. Hermann nods again, as if he had said something else anyway, reaching out and running his hand through Newton's hair. He feels Newton tense under his fingers, but he doesn't pull away, so Hermann doesn't either.

It's strange, touching another person. For most of his life he avoided doing it as often as possible, but in the last two days he's touched Dr. Newton Geiszler on more occasions than he can count on one hand. It's a lot, for him. "I'm sorry," Hermann says finally.

"Why're _you_ sorry?" Newton asks, and Hermann looks at him, then. He's gone from refusing to feel pity to feeling absolutely terrible. He touches the bruise on his jaw. Newton grimaces, so Hermann moves his hand back to his hair. He pulls his head forward and kisses his hairline. He feels awkward and it's too quiet and he'd just gotten a hold on his shaking and now it's started up again.

"You didn't...deserve...that," Hermann mumbles, the words coming out like round pegs from a square hole. Newton shrugs. He opens his mouth as if to say he's had worse, but seems to realize that won't make Hermann feel better and changes his mind.

"You didn't either," he says instead. "I didn't think I was going to die. I wouldn't have said that if I did."

Hermann doesn't think he's ever heard Newton sound so serious before. He nods. "I..." he wants to say 'I know,' but after such an outburst it would seem foolish and cruel, so he says, "Thank you."

They sit in silence for a moment, Hermann's hand still in Newton's hair as he stares at a spot just beyond his shoulder. Newton watches him unblinkingly.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Newton says after a while, "I wouldn't have done it, if I'd known, I wouldn't have. You're the best friend I've got."

Hermann laughs, then.

"As nice as it is for you to try and make me feel better, that's actually rather sad, if you think about it, Newt."

Newton beams at the sound of his name and shakes his head. "Nah, not really."

**Author's Note:**

> my father would disown me if he knew how badly I translated all this German, and also I wrote this all in one sitting without a beta so I apologize, but 4am seems to be when my muse strikes.
> 
> Anyway, in case you don't have access to a translator or my translations are really that bad, the German is supposed to say as follows:  
> "Shit! You filthy fucking rat! That's how you wanted to leave me?"  
> "I thought we were friends you absolute bastard. Don't you dare do that to me again!"  
> "You're all I have! You're all I have, I almost lose you, and that's what you leave me? Your last words? Fuck you!"  
> "I'M SORRY!"


End file.
